The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
