did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
