What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
