Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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