So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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