After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
