ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
