The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
