I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize