my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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