I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
