My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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