He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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