her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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