Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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