Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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