I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
