The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
