the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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