I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
