The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She is in my trunk
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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