Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
