Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
