new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
