just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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