Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
