so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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