Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
