Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
