Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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