He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
