i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
