Yo dont text me then not text me
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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