And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
