I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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