I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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