the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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