its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
