I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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