ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
