They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
