Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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