I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
