it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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