Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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