If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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