I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
