the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
