I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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