matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
