I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
