If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
