I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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