It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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