I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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