Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
