Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
