I faked an abortion last night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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