And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
