I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
