He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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