Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
