She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
